... In which I tell Burger King where to stick it.

Dearest Burger King,

I try to avoid eating a whole lot of meat.  In fact, for the purposes of in-flight meals, I will often check the “vegetarian” box.

One of my (admittedly many) exceptions to such a “low meat diet,” is the Angry Whopper.  You know the sandwich I’m talking about… The Whopper with the jalepenos and onion rings, lovingly smothered in a delightfully piquant mayonnaise-based sauce.

While I’m sure that we can both agree the Whopper is the best widely available fast food burger, it should a point of similar agreement that the Angry Whopper out-performs the regular Whopper in virtually all metrics by which one could conceivably measure the deliciousness of food.

On the night of November 5 2010, I found myself rather inebriated and jonesing for an Angry Whopper.  Lo, my hunger was so powerful that I had begun to fantasize about a fictional sandwich which I termed the “Furious Whopper.”  I had planned to purchase an Anrgy Whopper, with several sides of Zesty Sauce.  It was my earnest intention to dip the Anrgy Whopper into the zesty sauce, theoretically increasing the anger contained within an already livid burger.  

But I digress.

I was unable to bring the Furious Whopper into existence that night.  In fact, I fear that such a sandwich has forever been lost to the sands of time.  You see, the Burger King located in the heart of the Granville Entertainment District (821 Granville Street), does not sell Angry Whoppers.

I can’t describe the pain this has caused me.  Like a mother carries a child for 9 months before she spits it out into the world, I carried the concept of the Furious Whopper for almost 45 minutes before my hopes and dreams were so cruelly dashed.  I want to be clear here: this language is not hyperbolic.  I am suggesting, in no uncertain terms, that the Granville St. Burger King location has committed a crime no less vile than infanticide.  If your company had dragged a newborn child from the arms of its wailing mother, I would deride you just as harshly.

And don’t get me started on those apple pies.  When the woman at the counter apologized and said that this location did not carry the Angry Whopper, but she would be happy to give me a free apple pie with the purchase of a Whopper Steakhouse XT, I felt special…  I felt like I was having it, to use the parlance of your company, “my way.”

This feeling lasted for all of five seconds.

Sitting at my table, sadly dipping my Whopper Steakhouse XT into the zesty sauce, (which failed to produce even a modicum of anger in my burger), I could not help but notice a large poster on the wall.  And what did that poster say?  I don’t even need to tell you, do I?

“Free apple pie with the purchase of a Whopper Steakhouse XT.”

For shame, Burger King.  For shame.